I was walking somewhere in the middle of “El Camino” trail in Northern Spain when the panic began to build inside me. I had chosen to walk a portion of the nearly 500-mile pilgrimage hike as my attempt to connect with myself and God, and it wasn’t working. My vision had started blurring as I looked out on the miles of trail ahead of me. I felt untethered and out of control, the experience of leaving my responsibilities no longer a fun daydream, but a terrifying reality. Who was I when I wasn’t caring for someone’s emotional or spiritual needs? What would I do without an ever-growing task list to drive me through the day? What was left when my “purpose” was no longer accessible?
The practical answer was unavoidably clear. All I could do was walk. My phone was disconnected and my re-entry to civilization was still over a week in front of me. So, I walked. And I felt a level of fear that took me totally by surprise, the newly exposed, vulnerable me so different than how I would have described myself. Still walking, days later, the fear finally began to release, leaving behind it a gift. Awareness. I could no longer ignore or deny the disconnect within me, one that both necessity and my own choices had widened throughout the years.
I realized two things in that moment. First, ignoring or denying what was going on inside me was no longer the path I wanted to choose. And secondly, God was just as actively present in this inward journey as He was when I was doing all the things and taking care of all the people.
The most common response I hear after explaining that I am a Spiritual Director is “oh cool, and um….what is that again?” Spiritual direction, in essence, is taking “the slow walk” through your life and circumstances. It is choosing your own internal pilgrimage, whether you find yourself in a season of transition with a lot of unknowns, or you are recognizing an increased desire to experience God in places that have felt dry or disconnected. A Spiritual Director will walk beside you, keeping the pace steady, and notice with you both the inward and external circumstances where God might be speaking or leading you in your journey.
One of my favorite parts along my walk was adding my own rock to the piles of mismatched stones and pebbles that were placed in tiny white mountains at every crossroads or mile marker along “El Camino”. For some, it was a symbol of gratitude for having made it to that point or a memory of those who are always carried with us. However, for many following a Biblical faith tradition, it marked our testimony of the faithfulness and presence of God, saying to everyone who sees, “Thus far, God has helped me.”
If your present circumstances are telling you to slow down, you might consider the following reflection. Find a quiet, uninterrupted space. In this space, ask yourself a few questions: What is preventing me from slowing down? What fears rise up when I think about slowing down? Is there an area of my life where I need to stop to remember God’s faithfulness to me?
All that to say, I pray that wherever the walk takes you today, whether racing through endless tasks or to an abrupt stop at a wall of emotion, that each moment would be marked with a holy awareness; we never walk alone.
By Kristy Dees, Spiritual Director