Growing up on a farm, I have seen many wounds. Most of us have experienced a wound at some point in life - a broken arm, nose bleed, scrape. Most of us also know what to do when we get hurt. We clean the wound, patch it, and seek medical help if it is beyond what we can fix. These skills are necessary for our survival.
What do we do, though, when we face an emotional wound? What happens when we’ve experienced trauma? What happens when we lose someone close to us? What do we do when this wound is beyond what we can fix?
My hope is to answer these questions, and bring some normalcy to what you might be experiencing. Taking this journey is a brave one. The road ahead is hard, but so rewarding.
What does healing look like?
Healing involves processing emotions caused by wounds and traumas. This involves mourning for the self, and understanding the suffering that occurred. Mourning for the self is healing in action. This differs from self-pity, however, in that mourning creates compassion for the self; self-pity is an unproductive, self-indulgent dwelling. Mourning for the self honors the pain of what you went through and often precedes feelings of calm, curiosity, connection, compassion, confidence, courage, and clarity.
What does it look like to mourn for the self?
Mourning is a period of time during which signs of grief are shown. Grief is defined as conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Common emotions and behaviors experienced with grief include avoidance, confusion, elation, shock, fear, anger, irritability, anxiety, a struggle to find meaning, hostility, overwhelm, helplessness, reaching out to others, and exploring new options.
Events that can cause grief include:
Death
Divorce/separation
Marital conflict
Partner starting or stopping work
Imprisonment/minor violation of law
Personal injury or illness
Change in health of family member
Dismissal from work/changing job/taking new work responsibilities
Retirement
Trouble with boss
Financial difficulties
Change in working hours or conditions
Pregnancy
Going back to work after Maternity/Paternity leave
Infertility
Gaining a new family member
Child leaving home
Unmet expectations
Change in frequency of arguments
Trouble with in-laws
Beginning or ending school/Changing schools
Change in living conditions
Revision of personal habits
Change in residence
Change in Recreation/Church activities/Social activities
Change in eating habits
Vacations
Loss of trust, approval, safety and/or control
Trauma
Emotional disconnections/betrayal of trust
Covid: missing graduations, time with friends, etc.
The reality of grief
The list above is not an exhaustive one. Any end or change can spark grief. The reality is, grief is normal and expected, no matter what event caused it. Grief is messy, but allowing the self to grieve is so rewarding.
How do we know if we have healed?
Unfortunately, there is no clear-cut answer for what it looks like to fully heal. Some people claim healing happens when we have the tools and skills to manage what comes with grief and trauma. Others claim healing looks like calling on people for help. Debra Fileta, a LPC, points out that we heal in layers. Exposing one layer might lead to more layers that are presenting themselves for healing. Our Father designed our bodies to be able to hold grief, and to know the right time to present that grief for healing. No matter what definition you might place with healing, there is no doubt that God wired your body to heal.
To heal, we need to listen to our bodies. Listening might be noticing tension. It might be letting tears fall that never got to fall. It might be noticing a person or place makes you uncomfortable. It’s also important to make space for whatever emotion might be coming up. That emotion is there for a reason. I have no doubt the Lord designed your body to tell you exactly what you need to heal from whatever emotional wound you are holding. If it feels like too big of a wound to hold on your own, please reach out for help. A trusted person or therapist might be just what your body needs to heal.
By Allison Griffin, PLPC